Be at peace with yourself
from the inside and the outside,
is the biggest challenge in life.
Really love yourself
and be who you really are
and live your life and take care of yourself
on your own terms
can be a struggle.
Today I want to reflect with you on growing confidence in yourself.
Because I myself struggled for a long time to find the peace and love for myself that helped me build confidence.
Slowly I started to realize in my early twenties that I depended on what others thought of me, as a result of a childhood in survival.
The fact that I didn’t feel safe at home or at school had made me so unhappy and caused a deep lack of self-love, because I started to believe that all of this was because I wasn’t really worthy of love either. I completely closed myself off inside, trying to keep out all the pain of the outside world. But inside, doubt and a very mean negative voice had already taken over my heart. I remember fleeing to the woods on my bike, climbing trees and literally leaving my body at night when I lay scared and alone in the dark. So I sought comfort. I developed a very negative relationship with my external self; my body and at the same time trying to escape the ugly voice inside myself.
I hated who I was because of the rejection I felt from the outside world. I thought I wasn’t sweet, kind, pretty, or loved enough and imposed this belief on how I looked at myself, my face, and my body. Food became a hyperfocus. I could escape by eating sweets to taste how sweet I was and then really hating myself because I ate too much and I would get fat and get even more rejection. I developed forms of bulimia and went from one strict diet to another. That punishment continued throughout my life.
My childhood and early adulthood became one great struggle and escape. Although I started by warning everyone about the effects of drugs, alcohol and smoking. Did my disappointment in life and the evidence I found in various events make me unworthy. And there, an early onset of depression caused me to carelessly treat myself and began a flight of self-neglect into toxic substances and toxic relationships.
I was trying to be somebody, I was trying to fight the darkness inside and I just didn’t know what to do with life or with myself.
It wasn’t until I became a mother, the days before I turned 30, that I felt a shift inside.
Getting pregnant without really being planned woke me up. And the inner voice that had been screaming for years that I was on the wrong path in a toxic relationship became so loud. I knew I, I, the real me, had to get out. The difference between who I had become and the real me had become so huge.
I was so lost……
So scared and have been all my life.
And now pregnant…
I had started reading spiritual books, psychology books and started to purify and heal my body. My soul guided me to the right information and folks, do I now know to get further and further out of step with my toxic environment before I got pregnant.
Spirit pushed me to the right path.
And I slowly turned in the right direction.
I studied and read 6 books a week.
Just like I did as a child.
Pulling myself further and further away from my outside world and inside I worked on my beautiful self.
Slowly my self-esteem and confidence started to build up inside.
I have always loved to study and read.
I came back into harmony with nature and spent much of my time alone and outdoors.
I turned to healing and wholesome foods and herbs as if Spirit were healing my baby and myself.
We grew together. Because I got pregnant, I suddenly had a reason to take care of myself and this baby.
I felt strong about becoming a mother, but was deeply concerned about the toxic relationship I was in.
When I became a mother and again two years later, I took care of two sweet little baby boys. But I had never felt so lonely. The outside world increasingly showed its true face as toxicity in my marriage and family and pushed me deeper into depression, instead of lifting me up.
It took all the pain and courage in the world to disconnect myself from this web of toxic cords that had become my life and reality.
One by one I have let go of those cords over the last 7 years as I chose my real Self to give my boys the light and love they deserve.
On a roller coaster of divorce, living on a campground, a car accident, and my dad dying on the same street I walked with my boys catapulted me from dark to light.
Finally, I came to live in the house I had dreamed of. Ready to heal my nervous system, my heart and my damaged soul from the life that was already behind me at 38.
It was hard because I was so used to living in fear and survival with only a beginning of what self-confidence is and only a vague idea of what self-love meant.
Being a single mother, without a loving family, two boys growing up and running a household and earning a living was and is difficult.
I had to reinvent myself, or should I say; even be reborn. Because I never really got out.
Small steps of healing acts towards myself have made me stronger.
With many downs and a few ups, my confidence in myself and understanding of what it really takes to take good care of me grew.
I began to accept that I was different and had different needs than most people I knew. I found that little girl who took her bike to sit by the water or climb a tree to just sit and dream and connect with nature, with Spirit.
My healing journey continues. Confidence in myself is still growing every day and my heart is becoming more whole and stronger every day.
Because of the respect and self-love I give myself these days. By accepting the responsibility of taking care of my needs like the parent I never had or who didn’t know how. I give myself time and take the pressure off where I can. I still have to fight the darkness within myself that sometimes pulls me down by setting too high standards and not respecting my true nature and my heart. I’m still unlearning who I thought I was supposed to be. And I’m becoming more and more who I really am with love for my heart and for the body I’ve been so ugly and strict with. I was never good enough……
I appreciate life in being free in who I am more and more. I cherish my light and let my creativity flow with beautiful love for myself, my boys, my cats, nature and everything I choose to be in my inner circle, in my field.
Because I made a promise to myself never to leave myself in the dark again. And to love who I am and what life is to me. To accept my fate and unfold the magic of my destiny in the contrast of each day. By slowing down and connecting to my mind, my body and my soul from my heart. And no longer from my scared strict ego. And by healing and nourishing all aspects of me with the most beautiful and purest love I can be.
Even if the day sometimes starts dark and ends dark and I can’t find peace at night. Then I go back to very simple ways of living that help me see the light again.
By making small things in life sacred and nourishing. Like lighting candles, preparing food and letting my body rest. And by setting and respecting the boundaries I have set and accepted for myself in order to be myself. By knowing what I do want and what I don’t want anymore.
For it is only in the light and love of that truth that trust, joy, and self-love are built.
The way of your life can only be found from within. When darkness is confronted, honored and healed.
Day by day.
I send you love
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