Self Confidence is built from the inside out
To be at peace with yourself inside and outside is the great quest of life.
To really love yourself and really be who you are.
To live your life and look after yourself 0n your own terms and conditions can be a struggle.
Today I would like to reflect with you on this concurring of Light.
Because I myself have struggled for a long time to find this peace and love for myself that helped me build confidence.
Slowly I came to realize in my early twenties that I was so dependent on what other’s thought of me as a result of a childhood and youth of survival. Feeling not safe at home or at school had made me so unhappy with myself and caused to self inflict that lack of love on believing it must have been because of my unworthy ness.
I shut down completely inside as a young child, in an attempt to keep out all the pain from the outside world.
But inside the self doubt and negative internal dialogue had already taken over my heart.
I remember escaping to the woods on my bike, climbing trees and literally leavinv my body at night was how I sought comfort.
I developed a very negative relationship with my outside body and hid and escaped from my inside self.
I disliked who I was because of the rejection I felt from the outside world. I thought I was not sweet, nice, pretty or loved enough and influenced this belief on how I looked at myself, my face and my body. Food became a hyperfocus. I could escape in eating sweets to remind myself I was sweet and then hate myself for eating to much. I punished myself for years on bulimia and continues diets and ove excercising. This continued through out my life.
My youth and early adulthood ever became such struggle and escape. Although I started out warning everyone for the effects of drugs, alcohol and smoking. My disappointment in life, the proof in life events of my unworthy ness, were the early start of depression that made me dangerously careless about myself. And because of the deep mental believe of my un worthy ness and the disconnection of my heart and intuition, the self neglect and escapism took over.
I tried to be somebody, I tried to fight the darkness inside and I iust did not know what to do with life or myself.
On the outside I partied, drank, took drugs and was trying to look pretty and cool. On the inside I was dying more and more.
It wasn’t untill I became a mother the days before I became 30 that I had felt a shift inside.
Becoming pregnant without really having planned woke me up.
And the inside voice that had been screaming for years, that I was on the wrong path in a toxic relationship became so loud. I knew I, me the real me had to get out.
The difference between who I had become and the true me had become so immense.
I was so lost.
So scared and had been all my life.
And now I was pregnant as well…..
I had begun reading spiritual books, psychology books , herbal books and I had started to purify and heal my body.
My heart was guiding me to fall out of alignment with my toxic surroundings before I got pregnant.
Spirit pushed me towards the right path.
And I slowly turned.
I studied and read 6 books a week.
Just like I did as a child.
Withdrawing myself further from my outside world and the created Ego version self.
I started to build my self worth and confidence inside.
I had always loved studying and reading.
I became in tune with nature again and spent a lot of my time away from home and alone outdoors.
I turned to healing and wholesome foods and herbs as if Spirit started to lead the way. Because I became pregnant I suddenly had a reason to take care of myself and this baby.
I felt strong about becoming a mother but very worried about the toxic relationship I was in.
As I became a mother and two years later again, I took care of two little angle baby boys.
But had never felt more lonely, damaged and lost.
The outside world showed there true face more and more as toxicity in my marriage and my family pushed me deeper into depression, instead of lifting me up.
It took all the pain and courage in the world to disconnect myself from this web of toxic cords that had become my life and reality.
One by one over the past 7 years I cut loose as I choose for my Self in order to give the light and the love to my boys that they deserved.
In a roller coaster of divorce, living on a camp site, a car accident and my dad dying in the same street were I walked with my boys, catapulted me from dark to light within 6 months.
I ended up living in a house I could have only dreamed of, ready to start healing my nervous system, my heart and my damaged soul from the life that was already behind me at 38.
Being so used to living in over drive and survival with only the start of some self confidence and a concept of what self love meant; life was very hard.
Being a single mum, without solid family back up and two young boys, a house and a living to make was and still is very hard.
I had to reinvent myself, or should I say rebirth myself.
For the real I had never really come out.
Small steps of healing acts towards myself grew me stronger.
With a lot of downs and some ups my trust in myself and the understanding of what it took for me to take care as I grew.
I started to accept that I was different and had different needs then most people I knew.
I found back that little magical girl that took here bike to sit by the water or climb a tree to just sit and dream and connect with Spirit and life on the other side of the veil.
My healing journey is ongoing.
Confidence in myself is built in my heart every day.
With the respect and self love I give myself these days.
With the nourishing, compassionate care I take of my body.
Accepting the responsibility for my needs and taking care of me like the parent I never had or knew how to.
I give myself time and take off the pressure were I can.
Having to fight the darkness in myself that ego voice still sets such high standards that do not respect my true sensitive and intuitive nature.
A nature that is lost in this world.
A nature that I can only nurture on my own terms and conditions otherwise it get,s overwhelmed and shuts down. Like a lot of the kindered spirits I have met on my path.
For there are more souls like me who get overwhelmed by the day to day life that many lead.
I am appreciating life in the quite more and more.
Cherishing my light and creativity to flow with beautiful love for my self, my boys, my cats, nature and all that I choose to have around me in my Inner circle.
Because I made a promise to myself to never leave myself in the dark again.
Not for anyone.
And to love who I am and what life is for me.
To accept my destiny and unfold the magic of my destination in the contrast of each day.
By slowing down to my own pace and rhythm and connecting with my mind body and spirit from my heart.
To heal and nourish all aspects of me with the most beautiful and pure love that I can show up with.
Expanding this love outward in and through my inner circle with everything I do, say or create.
To make my world and maybe yours a little better.
By making small things in life sacred and nourishing.
Like lighting candles, preparing wholesome food, walking in nature, meditating, reading my books, writting and resting my body.
And by setting and respecting the boundaries I have accepted for myself to be necessary.
To stay true to who I am.
Because only in the light and love of that truth is confidence, joy and Self love build.
The Path of your life is found only from the inside out.
When darkness is faced, honored and healed.
Day by day
And so it is
If you want to enter my Inner Circle and receive my Light creations each day, you are so welcome to join.
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